Dunya

You know when you went through a lot of shit and then suddenly life just hit you hard and you fall hard. You fall so hard, that it's like effing painful to get back up. The struggle is real at that point of life. I faced that point. And it was the worse time of my entire 20 years of living. I complained, whined, cried and do all those kind of bullcrap to get anyone's attention. Trust me, after seeing how ridiculous I was. I totally stopped all that.

I was so angry at myself. I swear I turned into someone that is really so effing disgusting. Only those who are close to me knew the things I did before I decided to wear the hijab. I know most of you would have already gotten a glimpse of some of the things I did.

But let me tell you something. Don't ever let your past mistakes define who you are. I mean it, DON'T. Cause if you do, it will make it harder for you to learn and move on from it. I almost let it haunt me. You guys have to learn to let go. Because life is the world's greatest obstacle. Nothing hits you harder than it. You either dwell on the bad decisions and die from it, or learn from it and make the best out of everything that comes after.

It's not easy to get back up. I know. I went through it too. But always know that you're not alone. Open your eyes and see those who always was there for you even when you pushed them away or throw them aside. They are the ones who will never give up on you. Get close to them again. Have some laughs, get out and go on the simplest adventures that could at least make that smile appear again.

You're worth more than what the past gave you. Bad experiences are meant for learning, not for you to give up on yourself. Because everyone deserves a second chance at life, no matter how hard it gets. And if you're facing hardships now, remember that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Walk towards it and one day, you'll able to see and realize that the world still has a lot to offer. I'll have to tell myself that as well, everyday haha! Stay strong.

"When all good things, slowly come to an end.."

Good Day, Sunday

Last Sunday was great. Like GREAT. Great way to end the week. Despite being late for an hour for me and Ahmad's recording sesh. We managed to record at least one song. I'll share the link with y'all at the end of this post. Well yeah, its my first ever live recording, and it actually sounded pretty good(well to me, of course). And after recording, I finally met up with my friend, Azzy, to catch up. The mini photo-shoot at Esplanade. Good laughs after a long time. And the awesome long-awaited birthday present which made me teared up. It's been awhile since I had days like these. But yeah, good days end. The next day was a bummer. Cause I fell sick. And it's Day 4 today. Fever and flu. The "Brothers of Destruction" of the disease family. I really wanna get well cause I've been feeling damn weak and cranky.
So click on this to listen to the cover:)

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

My best told me that I should be selfish for once. And not let anyone get in my way. I've been too nice to people that they ended up taking advantage of me. But I don't know I'd rather be hurt than hurt others. It's really bad karma. But of course I have to suffer with the consequences. He lied to me again and I can't believe that I let him do that to me for the second time. But the best part is that, it didn't hurt. I got used to his bullshits already. And then things were going great between me and this other guy, but I don't want to hurt my friend. So I lied to him, so that they'll be close again. It hurts cause he seemed to like me. I guess. But yeah, maybe god has better plans for me. This part, hurts a lot. But it's okay. I think I'll be okay one day. Have a nice day guys:)

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I wish I could talk to you. But I'm still hurt by what you did. There's many things that I'm angry about but let's just leave that for now. My heart still aches by the fact that I can't talk to him though I want to so bad, but I don't want to come in between your friendship again. It was a wishful thinking to believe that he felt the same way. I know he doesn't. And please don't lie to yourself. I know that you like him too. You're just denying it cause you don't want to hurt me. I want to ask about how you're doing but I know that you don't really bother about me. Cause I don't really mean anything to you. This is really not because of a guy. But how you're willing to hurt your friend whom you know is facing shit also so that you'll feel better. Nevermind. I got the hint already. Good luck in everything. And if you decide to start things with him, good luck too. You two deserve each other. Goodbye.

Yours sincerely,
The one who was betrayed.

Let It Go

There's a lot of things that I have to force myself to adapt to after everything that has happened. Everything's changed. Nothing is hardly the same anymore. It took me a year to finally be readjusted and, it has been going oddly fine lately. But you know what's the most frustrating thing that could happen after finally settling down from all the madness and chaos? It's when the person who caused it all, comes back.

How can they be so bold to just come back just like that? And no matter how hard you try to stop yourself from being so nice to them, you can't. Because you know why? They've seen your vulnerable side. There's nothing to hide, cause they know everything. Somethings will still not change about one's character. You will only realize that when you meet someone who was with the "old" you. It's frustrating. I was already moving on and trying embark on this new awesome journey of redemption when suddenly, there's a road block. "Whyyyy must you do this to me maannn?"

You make me all confused again. I managed to fall for your sweet words and be mesmerized by your stupid stories. I really can't stop myself cause i thought i was still in love with you. I can't believe I thought of giving you a second chance..... 

But NO..

Dude, sorry. Not this time. I know this story is very anti-climatic. But before i get myself into anymore drama, get myself hurt and be back to square one, I think I'll just try to see life without you. You've done much damaged. Come on, do you really wanna see me go through that cycle again? No wayyyyy..I have to learn to let you go. I love this new me, I love the new me, I am embracing this change. You've taken so much from me, no more.

Brand New Start

Hello again. 

Well, I actually deleted all my previous blog posts cause they all sounded so ridiculous and pretentious when I read it. Like what the hell was I thinking? I decided that I should start everything all over again.

I actually created this blog about 2 years ago to try and impress my ex-boyfriend. Kidding. I actually love writing and since I know I'm gonna end up losing or throwing my notebooks/diaries away, why not have an online diary? 

So a lot has happened these past 2 years. Made friends, lost friends. Thought I've found the love of my life, but I was wrong. Quit school, enrolled to another school and then quit school again. I know I sound messed up, I am. But come on, I'm just another human being living life. It doesn't get easier. But it's okay(I'm slowly dying).

I turned 19 in June this year. And let me tell you something that my older siblings or cousins or friends SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, BEING 19 SUCKS. I believe many of you have the same thought. Reality hits you hard at this age. It makes you realize that you're not as young anymore. You need to start taking up responsibilities that you're really not prepared for. Most of my friends are graduating next year and they don't even know what they're going to do after graduation. They're all scared. It's getting more and more competitive each day. And that's not all. We kept worrying about when we're finally going to be stable enough to settle down(well...this topic is usually discussed between me and my best friend but I'm sure most of them are thinking of it too).

Well to me, the hardest part of being 19 is trying to get my shit together after everything that's happened last year. I'll spare you the lame story about school some other time, let me talk about my ultimate fall.

Sadly, I got used to losing friends. Because friends come and go, that's the reality of it. But the shittiest thing that one shouldn't have to face is losing that special someone whom they thought they would grow old with. Maybe this is another pathetic love story to you, but i don't care, I'm gonna share with you anyway. So...I was together with this guy last year for 8 months. It doesn't seem long but it was my longest relationship. I'm the kind of person who doesn't stay. I get bored easily with my partner. But this guy is different. He's really not like other guys. Average looks, average height, smart(like really smart). And the best part is, we have nothing in common. Okay, there's one thing. We're a fan of the tv show, 'The Big Bang Theory'. But besides that, both of us are really complete opposites. 

So long story short, the relationship ended because he cheated on me. I know you guys hate cheaters. But trust me, he has a good reason(good enough for me at least). The breakup broke me. I couldn't see him cause everyone hated him. And though I accepted his explanation and apology, still it hurt. Cause it was throughout the 8 months and it was with someone he was with for 3 years. 

It hurt at that point. I felt as though my life was slowly crumbling down. I had no one. I couldn't sleep well, I was so depressed i ate my heart out until i gained weight. I've never experienced this before so I really couldn't cope with everything. No proper education, depressing love life, my dad was so disappointed he wouldn't even wanna talk to me at one point. It was that bad. I felt useless, I forgot my worth.I was at my lowest. Isn't It amazing how a bad experience with just one person could make your life seems worthless? Hah. Glad that's over.

But the greatest part about this experience is that, It motivates me to become a better person. I've also learned that you can only depend on yourself for your happiness. People could be there to help you get up, but ultimately you yourself have to pull yourself up. Nothing is going to hit you harder than life. So, while  you're still alive and well, make everything count. 

So this is to the new life, the better me and to a wonderful brand new start:)